Meeting a new possible love interest for the first time over lunch is supposed to be unassuming. You rendezvous in the glaring brightness of daylight, dressed moderately yet fashionably (a.k.a. devoid of cleavage), looking fresh in makeup that seems non-existent but in fact has taken you well over an hour to perfect. And the biggest factor differentiating a lunch date from an evening date? There (usually) isn't any alcohol involved. Which means the chances of this encounter turning into a "hot lunch" are slim to none. At least by my standards. Apparently the Vegas dating standards are even lower than mine. Recently I found myself at lunch with someone I was not expecting to meet. By this I mean he looked nothing like the pictures that were posted on his online profile. Ok wait - I take that back. He looked somewhat like the pictures...plus about 35-40 pounds from the chest down. He had one of those odd pear-shaped bodies which are terrible on women but even more horrific on men. These body types are sneaky...you can't always detect them from pictures because they are often shot from above. Shady bastards. We met at a casino cafe. And it wasn't one of the cool upscale casinos either. It's one of the local joints. (Sidenote: Local Vegas casinos are the best for people watching, one of my favorite past times.) As I stood waiting near the "Sex & The City" slot machine, (how fitting), a short, pudgy man with a chain wallet waddled over. Yes, he fibbed about his height too. Despite my shock and instant non-attraction, I was polite and proceeded to the restaurant with him. Now I have no problem with husky men. In fact I tend to go for them. I like a guy who is bigger than me, not some skinbomb toothpick who can't move my TV when I ask him to (Yes I'm bitter over an issue in the past). As long as he takes care of himself I don't expect perfection. But this guy was husky and then some. Kind of like a jacked up Barney Rubble with a booty-pop shoved in his pants while sporting a Joe Dirt goatee. Despite whatever genetics did to him physically, intellectually he was semi normal. The conversation was ok. We talked about our careers, our families, but at NO POINT WHATSOEVER did anything sexual come up. At all. When the date came to an end he asked about seeing me again. I replied with a vague "It's a possibility" because I don't have the balls to say "When Lindsay Lohan is sober" which we all know will never happen. Over the next couple days he sent a text here and there about meeting up and again I sporadically replied with very ambiguous answers. Then I continued on with my life and forgot about him. Until this morning. 7:42 a.m. I'm barely awake and already running late. Phone goes off. Picture message. And there it is. A picture of his JUNK with a message saying "Woke up thinking of you this morning." It wasn't even good looking junk either. Small, with no girth and not very well groomed. COME ON. In what realm of anyone's jacked up mind would this be a good way to woo a woman? It's one thing if you've been dating and have already had sex, and know that the other girl is into it. But to send a pic like that to a woman who hasn't responded to even the most normal of texts is just absurd.
This man, and alot of other men I think, believe single women are sex-starved and that even the tiniest (literally tiniest) hint of getting some penis will drive us wild. Sorry. Wrong. Women can hold out for quite some time, and in the meantime there are plenty things available for us. Why would I be on an online dating site if all I wanted was some chubster with an unsatisfying pecker? I can find that any night at any bar.
Needless to say I did not respond and I have not heard from him since. But I don't want to get my hopes up yet...I could wake up tomorrow with a pic of him naked and sporting a scuba mask. Freak show.
