Although most of my dating escapades occur after meeting someone on a shitty online site, there are those very rare occasions when I actually meet someone outside of the internet. Yes, amazingly, it's still somewhat possible. But that doesn't mean it turns out well.


This recently happened while I was spending a Saturday afternoon at the community pool drinking some Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers. ( Don't judge me. I like to switch up my party drinks every now and then. And I'm cheap.) There was a boy eyeballing me who was actually pretty good looking. He was pounding some MGDs which is what probably what ultimately led to his interest in me. Whether it was alcohol or pure carnal attraction, we ended up exchanging some glances and finally he made his move.


I learned his name was Patrick. (Check. Decent name and probably Irish.) He was originally from Missouri, (another check - Midwest guy.) He was 34 and divorced. (Hell yes. Usually means he doesn't want to rush into marriage.) And he works in construction. (Hmmm. Not super excited about that because Vegas is not the greatest place for that type of work, but he was hot and had a pretty bomb body so I let it slide.)


So we talked for a bit and I found out he pretty much lived right around the corner from me. He said he was making some chili that evening and invited me over for dinner. Since I was astonished that anyone would still be interested AFTER seeing me in a bathing suit, I said yes.


When I got to his place I could tell he was one of those dudes who's into hunting and fishing and all that jazz by the various stuffed animal heads and mounted fish furnishing his home. I'm not really into that but I can appreciate a guy who is, means he's manly, and that's a turn on. So anyway, I found out he had a roommate who was out of town. He didn't say too much else about the roommate but I wasn't interested in that anyway. We have a couple beers and just as he's about to serve this chili that smelled flippin' awesome, the door flies open. What entered the room was enough to give any normal human nightmares for a good solid week.


A completely bald woman wearing a BAJA and sweat pants rushes in and literally sprints down the hallway yelling something along the lines of "Where is it??? I need it!" Dude looks at me in panic and says, "I apologize for what's about to happen." The woman runs back into the room and I guess she didn't see me at first but stops suddenly and just stares at me. At this point I realize she is not only bald, but has no hair on her body at all, no eyebrows and I don't think I even saw eyelashes. She then says, "Hello. I'm Barb. Patrick's wife." Of course you are.


Yep. His "roommate" was actually his crazy wife. She then proceeds to whip out a pack of Pall Malls and attempts to light a cigarette, but seems to have a rough time cause her hands are shaking like a saltshaker (thanks Ying Yang Twins!). I say, "Ok I'm going." But, she stops me and insists I stay because, "they are not really together she just came by because she needed money for heroin." HEROIN. Oh. So that's why your hands are shaking.


No I know I really have to get out of there, so I mumble something about letting my dog out and hightail it out the door. Of course the dude follows me, saying something about hold on, let me explain, yadda yadda yadda. I tell him he obviously has some things to deal with and he should probably take care of that first.


Two days later he calls and leaves me a message saying something about he came home and all of his stuff was gone, I guess she sold it all for drug money. Surprisingly, I didn't call him back.


I think I'll stick to online dating for the time being. And avoid the pool.